So today I start a new journey. A journey that hopefully will help me in finding what I am desiring! A desire to be ok with what God gives me, to be ok with HIS plans and NOT my own. And a healthier relationship with God, my family and me.I have tried filling A LOT of my time with ME, THEY and just stuff. I try and plan play dates, girls night, me time, my time, kids time, husband time, dates, shopping trips etc. And when I do all this stuff, I forget 3 things: God, Jesus and Spirit. I forget to schedule God Time, Jesus Time and feed the Spirit. I teach my son (and show example to my daughter) about Jesus and how awesome God is, and I teach them Jesus loves me, but I forget to get up and get down in the word. The Word that is meant for daily nurishing.
So much so I started to have an internal battle with myself, and it showed. It showed with frustration towards my kids, frustration with my husband. I was the same (kind of) on the outside. Smiles, love, and when out in public utter respect for my husband. But when I was at home, I don't know if it showed on the outside, but I know I wasn't on the inside having the warm fuzzy feelings on the inside. Yes I loved him, and my children, they are my gifts from God. I, sometimes, hated the idea of being a mom 24/7, focusing on them all the time, being the sole schedule keeper 24/7, cleaning a house a thousand times a day with out help at times, making 3 meals a day for 3-4 people, even though one of them isn't even going to eat it. And desiring something that seems almost, basically out of reach because I am to respect decisions made even though its not what I want. I tried the vent to every friend I could find that would just listen and not give me biblical answers because I was mad, and frustrated. Then I tried just being silent and focus on raising my child and moving on. But it seemed to only fester announce toward my children.
Then one day, I started feeling tired and sick on and off. Thinking it was just simply, taking a vitamin without real food, ignored it and powered through the usual cleaning and cooking day. At the moment, what I thought was just a vitamin making me sick, turned into 3 FULL days of exhasution, migrains, dry heaves and what could only be described as false pregnancy syptoms. I couldn't understand what was going on, but I felt sick, but not flu sick. All I know is what ever it was, it wasn't fun.
That Saturday, doing what I do best when working emotional moments out, I reorganized my bedroom. I changed the clutter looking, path blocking, conflict causing room into a open, free flowing, no one is in anyones way, room. And had a moment with me and God.... YES the time I spent moving, pushing heavy furniture (one LARGE solid wood sewng cabinet), cleaning and dusting I had a conversation with God. And it hit me, I haven't spent time with Him, and I haven't been caring for the one that means the most, My SPIRITUAL self. I havent even taken the time to develop this relationship I teaching my kids about. So I prayed, looking into what stops me... and as usual laziness. I decided to need to WAKE UP! Stop being lazy and sleeping like I have nothing to do, I have 2 kids, a husband and a house hold to run. Stop your whining of life is too hard and GET UP, get dressed in the quiet, and devotion about my day and it will be better! I know it sounds "mean" or "hard" to say that to myself, but that is how I have to talk to myself. I am not the tell me kindly person, I have to be told "Get yourself together its not about you sweetie!". And amazingly I remember a sweet lady studying James and all of the goodness it brought. So this morning I woke at 5:50am, stretched, got dressed, made my bed, made coffee, kissed my husband goodbye for the day, grabbed my good old fashion bible (nothing like holding the word of God in your hands) and opened to James Chapter 1, and there it was highlighted from before but never in my mind meant for me at the time of first reading it, but STOOD out like a caution sign on the side of the road:
"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."
James 1:12
I encourage you to
"Stop your whining of life is too hard and GET UP"
Get up and work on the connection that makes life enjoyable!
Tina
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